Heartistic Desires

Posted By Cori on August 12, 2009

One year ago our lives were taking some drastic turns. There are seasons of relative calm in life and there are seasons of whirlwinds; and everything in between. We were just starting to settle into a relative calm at the beginning of 2008. We were not where we needed to be yet, but we were getting close. Some of the things we had reached for for so long seemed to be coming into our grasp. True, it was still a tenuous grasp, but we were feeling it coming close.

Or, were we?

We also had a sense of ‘unease’. A sense that while we were drawing closer to things hoped for, they were actually pulling further away. Or, more accurately, like we should be pulling away from them but were not yet ready to admit that. We had hoped for our ‘dreams’ for so long, that we forgot to stop and make sure they were still the right dreams.

Or maybe we avoided pausing to check because, deep inside, we already knew the answer.

We were on the wrong train and even the wrong track. That train had served it’s purpose and it was time to move on. But the known is so much less scary than the unknown, even when the known isn’t quite working. We can convince ourselves of anything, can’t we? Especially if ‘anything’ is familiar and cozy and has the appearance of being safe.

A little over a year ago our eight-year old business was dying. I was looking for work and found a posting online. It wasn’t something I was qualified for; it was actually more up Garret’s alley. The posting said nothing about location except “North America.” In the IT business, there are lots of tele-commuters and lots of home-office based jobs so I wasn’t real surprised by the lack of location information – I just assumed it was something one could do from home. I sent the posting to Garret via email and expected nothing. He was working his tail off to rebuild his Business – his Baby.

A few weeks later, Garret got a call about his application. They wanted to schedule a phone interview.

“You applied???”

“I didn’t figure it could hurt,” he said.

A week later, during the interview, the question came up.

“What makes you want to leave the private sector and relocate to another state?”

Garret’s answer: “I didn’t know I was. The posting said nothing about location.”

“Oh… Well,… it is full-time and it is in Utah… does that preclude you?”

Garret turned slowly in his chair to look at me. He repeated the interviewer’s latest question.

I thought for a split-second. Then I shrugged. And that has made all the difference.

I don’t know exactly how the universe works. But I do know there are defining moments in our lives when God says, “Okay, if you’re willing to take that step, have I got something in store for you.” Without realizing it, I believe we took that step. I would like to say that it was because we were so in tune to promptings or karma or our intuition. But I’m not sure I could honestly say we were. I just know we were willing, at that point in time, to step into the dark and try something we had never tried before and that we were actually afraid of. But somewhere inside we knew it was what we were suppose to do. We realized, quite suddenly, that we were on the wrong train and the wrong track. And we knew that to keep denying that was an affront to gifts we were being given.

But – oh! – leaving our children, grandchildren, family and friends! We would have to leave behind our first home with the yard and the too-small kitchen and living room where we had had so many family parties. We would have to leave behind our dog, Bear, and his friendly barks every time we came home. We had to leave behind our known territory of stores and streets and houses and freeways. There was so much known to walk away from and so many question marks on the other side.

It was, quite simply, the most difficult decision we have ever had to make.

But we knew we should make it. We knew that if we moved away, there would be something better on the other side. Not immediately, but eventually. Sometimes we have to give up what we want now for what we want most.

Someday I want to live closer to my beautiful daughters and their little families. I want to have everyone over for a barbecue and make Whoopie Pies that get gobbled up in one night. I want to vacuum the floor and wash the windows just so the grandkids can spill crumbs and smear the glass with their little hands and mouths. But I know we made the right decision right now. Things are still really hard. It seems each week we get a new curve-ball thrown at us. But the gains are so much greater than I ever could have imagined! I accept, now, that the best things in life are quite a bit more work than we want them to be, but oh, so worth it.

Could I ever have left this little face if I didn’t know that with all my heart??

I Believe by Cori Gillespie

Category: Musings
Tags: courage, Faith, Family, fear, love